I am now fully aware that my r/s with the BPDBF was all an illusion and I am taking inventory on fantasy v reality.
I had enormous hopes and dreams with this man that has fallen way short of what I want for my life.
Marriage
Fantasy: He wants to marry me and always told me “when we get married…”
Reality: The end of the r/s was inevitable and he would have left me at the altar – if not soon after. The r/s cycled through exactly the way it should have.
Contributing to the household
Fantasy: If I support him enough, he will feel better about himself and get a better job
Reality: He is stuck in the woe is me and was happier sponging from my bank account without lifting a finger. His sense of entitlement was nothing but appalling.
Love
Fantasy: He loved me unconditionally
Reality: He loved me as long as I could ride the endless cycle to fix him and if I satisfied his insatiable need for need.
If Only
Fantasy: If I just......all will work out perfectly.
Reality: Whatever I did would never fill the empty bucket
Happiness
Fantasy: He made me so happy I wanted to spend all my time with him
Reality: I was so unhappy and refused to acknowledge it because I needed to be needed.
Children
Fantasy: He will be a fantastic father – and a great support to me
Reality: He would have sacrificed the health/well being of the child to get his needs met. I would maintain in a void and not experience the true beauty of a lovely partner and a child…I only want one child.
Nice car/home
Fantasy: Live in a lovely house with a garden – we would wake up on Saturday mornings and have coffee, sitting in the sun and talk about what we wanted to do for the day.
Reality: We would never have a nice car/home because of his impulsive spending and I would become increasingly resentful that he is incapable of holding down a job. We would wake up on Saturday mornings and my stomach would be in knots, having no clue what mood he would be in at 9am, 9.30am, 10am, 10.15am etc etc.
Vacations
Fantasy: lying on the beach in the Cayman Islands with nothing on our minds except the crystal blue water, the sun, being with each other and feeling serene, happy and calm.
Reality: We would never get to the Cayman Islands unless I paid for it and he would be too busy peacocking around the beach to grab the attention of anything in a skirt.
Pet Dog!
Fantasy: Buy a retriever and spending Sundays walking him on the beach
Reality: Get sick of the dog and never feed it – resenting me because the dog loves me more. Sell the dog!
Making important decisions to advance our r/s
Fantasy: we would sit and talk calmly and rationally, listening to each others point of view and coming to a course of action we are both happy with.
Reality: I would bring up a conversation and he would completely dysregulate, call me an idiot for thinking that way then proceeds to tell me that this conversation is hard for him. He would talk about everything else but the issue at hand to divert it back to him. There maybe a few tears in there too. I would cry out of pure desperation.
Ask for assistance
Fantasy: Gladly help where he could and was self reliant to see it through without the need for validation
Reality: Ask me constantly whether he was doing it right, seek validation for the most menial of tasks, divert me away from what I was doing to assist him, tell me he feels bad because I corrected him.
Support during the tough times
Fantasy: Be a shoulder for me to cry on.
Reality: Shut down, divert it back to him and stare at me not knowing what the hell he should do.
Cannot get enough of me
Fantasy: he doesn’t want to go out because he wants to spend quality time with just ME
Reality: he doesn’t want to go out because he wants to isolate me to ensure I don’t leave.
Gifts
Fantasy: he bought me flowers because he truly loves me
Reality: he bought me flowers to reel me in and expected praise – only to follow through with some devaluing to regain the upper hand.
Career
Fantasy: Support any decision I made regarding advancing in my career
Reality: Feeling extremely jealous that I was getting somewhere and bettering myself
Trust
Fantasy: Trust him with all my heart and feel safe and secure knowing he has my back
Reality: I could not trust him in the slightest and never did – his actions proved that.
Friendship
Fantasy: Once the honeymoon is over we had a great friendship full of support and respect
Reality: Friendship is about true mutual respect – we had none of that. If he did appear to show respect it was momentary until the power shifted and he had to put me back in my place.
Honeymoon phase
Fantasy: We were so in love in the beginning and although we went through some ‘rough patches’, we will get back to the way we were. Love prevails.
Reality: The honeymoon phase was all an illusion for both him and me – once the devaluing started I know I will never see the honeymoon phase again…EVER!
Fun
Fantasy: Allow me to be jubilant and happy with my lot
Reality: Create chaos and drama to remind me that my attention should be on him at all times.
Contact
Fantasy: he is contacting me because he misses me and is so sorry for everything that happened – wants to sort it out
Reality: he contacts me to mess with my head that it was ALL me. Contact only creates shame and blame and I have nothing to be shameful of. I conducted myself in the best possible way I could/knew how. I provided that man with more love and support than I provide my own family.
Next r/s
Fantasy: That the next GF will make him extremely happy and I was the one who stuffed it completely. She will experience the honeymoon phase for a lifetime.
Reality: He is a vampire who has no option but to find a new host to make himself feel just OK. Poor girl has some learning to do, just like I did/do.
It often helps to see the reality of exactly what happens in these r/s. This man is not the key to my happiness but instead drained every life force from my body. I certainly do not want to spend the rest of my life feeling the way I did at the end of the relationship.
I know you will all find your reality….in the aftermath of your BPD relationship.
