BPD - fantasy v reality

I am now fully aware that my r/s with the BPDBF was all an illusion and I am taking inventory on fantasy v reality.

I had enormous hopes and dreams with this man that has fallen way short of what I want for my life.

Marriage
Fantasy: He wants to marry me and always told me “when we get married…”
Reality: The end of the r/s was inevitable and he would have left me at the altar – if not soon after. The r/s cycled through exactly the way it should have.

Contributing to the household
Fantasy:  If I support him enough, he will feel better about himself and get a better job
Reality: He is stuck in the woe is me and was happier sponging from my bank account without lifting a finger. His sense of entitlement was nothing but appalling.

Love
Fantasy: He loved me unconditionally
Reality: He loved me as long as I could ride the endless cycle to fix him and if I satisfied his insatiable need for need.

If Only
Fantasy: If I just......all will work out perfectly.
Reality: Whatever I did would never fill the empty bucket

Happiness
Fantasy: He made me so happy I wanted to spend all my time with him
Reality: I was so unhappy and refused to acknowledge it because I needed to be needed.

Children
Fantasy: He will be a fantastic father – and a great support to me
Reality: He would have sacrificed the health/well being of the child to get his needs met. I would maintain in a void and not experience the true beauty of a lovely partner and a child…I only want one child.

Nice car/home
Fantasy: Live in a lovely house with a garden – we would wake up on Saturday mornings and have coffee, sitting in the sun and talk about what we wanted to do for the day.
Reality: We would never have a nice car/home because of his impulsive spending and I would become increasingly resentful that he is incapable of holding down a job. We would wake up on Saturday mornings and my stomach would be in knots, having no clue what mood he would be in at 9am, 9.30am, 10am, 10.15am etc etc.

Vacations
Fantasy: lying on the beach in the Cayman Islands with nothing on our minds except the crystal blue water, the sun, being with each other and feeling serene, happy and calm.
Reality: We would never get to the Cayman Islands unless I paid for it and he would be too busy peacocking around the beach to grab the attention of anything in a skirt.

Pet Dog!
Fantasy: Buy a retriever and spending Sundays walking him on the beach
Reality: Get sick of the dog and never feed it – resenting me because the dog loves me more. Sell the dog!

Making important decisions to advance our r/s
Fantasy: we would sit and talk calmly and rationally, listening to each others point of view and coming to a course of action we are both happy with.
Reality: I would bring up a conversation and he would completely dysregulate, call me an idiot for thinking that way then proceeds to tell me that this conversation is hard for him. He would talk about everything else but the issue at hand to divert it back to him. There maybe a few tears in there too. I would cry out of pure desperation.

Ask for assistance
Fantasy: Gladly help where he could and was self reliant to see it through without the need for validation
Reality: Ask me constantly whether he was doing it right, seek validation for the most menial of tasks, divert me away from what I was doing to assist him, tell me he feels bad because I corrected him.

Support during the tough times
Fantasy: Be a shoulder for me to cry on.
Reality: Shut down, divert it back to him and stare at me not knowing what the hell he should do.

Cannot get enough of me
Fantasy: he doesn’t want to go out because he wants to spend quality time with just ME
Reality: he doesn’t want to go out because he wants to isolate me to ensure I don’t leave.

Gifts
Fantasy: he bought me flowers because he truly loves me
Reality: he bought me flowers to reel me in and expected praise – only to follow through with some devaluing to regain the upper hand.

Career
Fantasy: Support any decision I made regarding advancing in my career
Reality: Feeling extremely jealous that I was getting somewhere and bettering myself

Trust
Fantasy: Trust him with all my heart and feel safe and secure knowing he has my back
Reality: I could not trust him in the slightest and never did – his actions proved that.

Friendship
Fantasy: Once the honeymoon is over we had a great friendship full of support and respect
Reality: Friendship is about true mutual respect – we had none of that. If he did appear to show respect it was momentary until the power shifted and he had to put me back in my place.

Honeymoon phase
Fantasy: We were so in love in the beginning and although we went through some ‘rough patches’, we will get back to the way we were. Love prevails.
Reality: The honeymoon phase was all an illusion for both him and me – once the devaluing started I know I will never see the honeymoon phase again…EVER!

Fun
Fantasy: Allow me to be jubilant and happy with my lot
Reality: Create chaos and drama to remind me that my attention should be on him at all times.

Contact
Fantasy: he is contacting me because he misses me and is so sorry for everything that happened – wants to sort it out
Reality: he contacts me to mess with my head that it was ALL me. Contact only creates shame and blame and I have nothing to be shameful of. I conducted myself in the best possible way I could/knew how. I provided that man with more love and support than I provide my own family.

Next r/s
Fantasy: That the next GF will make him extremely happy and I was the one who stuffed it completely. She will experience the honeymoon phase for a lifetime.
Reality: He is a vampire who has no option but to find a new host to make himself feel just OK. Poor girl has some learning to do, just like I did/do.

It often helps to see the reality of exactly what happens in these r/s. This man is not the key to my happiness but instead drained every life force from my body. I certainly do not want to spend the rest of my life feeling the way I did at the end of the relationship.

I know you will all find your reality….in the aftermath of your BPD relationship.

Can we be friends?

For the purpose of this post friends also include family members.

Dedicated to all my friends who know I am worth it. It's you I got my inspiration from in making my ‘What it means to be friends’ list at the end of the post.

Take a moment, and ask yourself what friendship means to you, and if you've ever been treated with disrespect, lack of concern and dishonesty in any relationship you've come to regard as one you could trust. Friends aren't just acquaintances--these are people who we have learned (over time) we can rely on, to have our back, as we have theirs.

I was always told from a young age that I will have many acquaintances in my life, but only a handful of friends. This is has been true to a certain extent – Now! In the past I have taken on every lost puppy that needed a nice home. I never expected anything in return until I realised I was attempting to fill an empty bucket in continuously propping some up, without doing an ounce for themselves. This is not what I would now call a friendship in the true sense of the word.

In my more mature years (!!) I absolutely realise that all my friends are kind and loving, who I love dearly but I had never really put much thought into what that ACTUALLY means. I like to think that I have it right and there is an equal balance – I chose them and they chose me – BAM! We are friends.

Psychologists talk of the hierarchy of need and part of this hierarchy is ‘social need’ - These include needs for belonging, love and affection. Relationships such as friendships, romantic attachments and families help fulfill this need for companionship and acceptance.

We all have a need to belong and for love and affection. However, what is the true foundation of any relationship/friendship? I believe it is trust. We don’t fully understand the importance of trust or understand its value. Trust gives us an inner happiness along with strength and vitality and without it a relationship/friendship cannot flourish – instead it becomes stagnant, unfulfilling, a one way street – it’s like playing tennis with only one player!

In a general sense, I believe social conditioning has beyond a doubt ruptured the very foundation of trust. We withhold, erect a wall bigger than the Great Wall of China around us for protection. Why? Self preservation…

We all have strengths and weaknesses and friends not only understand this about us but embrace them. Zebras are black & white but we are not.

What it means to be friends…

·        mutual trust

·        mutual respect and independent self respect

·        give equal time to each other and allow space to be heard

·        can identify personal boundaries and respect them

·        listen when we voice a need or to set a boundary

·        challenge our thoughts and beliefs

·        encourage us to be good people and to do better

·        ooze authenticity

·        understand our faults and embrace them

·        not attempt to control

·        listen, think and speak

·        smile when they think we need a smile

·        hug when they think we need a hug

·        always thinking of ways to strengthen the relationship

·        not expect it to be a one way street

·        words = actions

·        take the time to ask how I am doing

·        openness

·        allow every emotion to be expressed

·        respect differing opinion

·        don’t throw you under a bus

·        don't expect perfection

·        allow you to grieve and be sad

·        criticize constructively

·        not afraid to speak your mind

·        not feel like you need to walk on eggshells to please

·        not use you for their own gain

·        give a feeling of safety and security

·        talk about problems not give the silent treatment

·        don't feel the need to bitch about anything and everyone.

"I TRUST YOU" is a better compliment than "I LOVE YOU" because you may NOT always trust the person you love, but you can always love the person who you trust....

It's takes time to get to know someone. Anything less is enmeshment.

Borderline Personality Disorder

Welcome to my first post! My blog is my own personal opinion and I always write from experience and/or personal thoughts. My posts will be somewhat poignant to what is currently going in my life and those around me. I would like to think that I treat my posts as a therapeutic journaling session. We could all use a voice.

Note: I make no apology for any spelling mistakes or grammatical errors.

(Source: http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page5.htm)

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In the last 3 months I have been consumed by books, online forums, and chats with friends and family about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I would like to think I could almost single handedly run a program on BPD - I have been THAT immersed. Here is my story...

I separated from my partner who is undiagnosed BPD with obsessive compulsive and narcissistic traits? Did I know this when I met this man! No! The relationship followed the typical seduction, clingy and hater phase to a tee. When I met the BPD ex I was on top of the world - I have a well paid job, where I am respected, I am social and have the most loving family and friends - so I ask myself now - Where did it all go wrong?

My BPD ex was like a shining light. I fell deeply for this man. The relationship began with such openness from him; I thought I found "the one". He loved spending time with my family, friends and me which was all so refreshing compared to previous partners. My family embraced him, my friends thought he was wonderful and I thought I can't lose this one. For the first 6 months we were mesmerised by one another. I could not believe I had found someone that I connected so well with. The next 6 months, we still could not get enough of one another and I sacrificed social events just so we could be together. The last 4 months I was devalued and demonised for the being person that I am.

Now that I am out of the fog, I see it all very differently. It has taken the last 3 months to wrap my poor head around what actually happened in this relationship. Oh but the first 12 months were so fantastic!! Now I can put this through the BPD unscrambler and realise how wrong I was. The 6 month honeymoon phase was spent him mirroring everything about me - my thoughts, morals, ethics and interests. For those who have not heard of mirroring: it is a term which describes imitating or copying another person's characteristics, behaviours or traits. I also believe this can be extended to a person’s thoughts, ethics and morals. No wonder I thought this guy was fabulous - he was simply mirroring me LOL.

So once he had me in his hot little hands the isolation or clingy phase kicked in. Friends of mine were discarded, he refused to attend social events, was annoyed if I socialised with friends without him, was adamant that all he wanted to do was play the guitar and lie on the couch watching movies. I started to suffer from cabin fever all the while questioning what the hell was going on.

For the previous 4 months of the relationship the contradictions, crazy making interactions and emotional projections were in full swing. I felt like I was the one going nuts.

NOTE: Projection - psychological defense mechanism where a person subconsciously denies his or her own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, which are then ascribed to the outside world, usually to other people. Thus, projection involves imagining or projecting the belief that others originate those feelings (Wade, Tavris "Psychology" Sixth Edition Prentice Hall 2000).

Example: The BPD ex may feel like he failed at something so he projects that failure onto me to relieve himself of that feeling.

The typical and common type of BPD is the 'raging out' type and this one is what we call a 'waif BPD or quiet BPD'. His chosen form of abuse was 'ambient'. By ambient I mean it was stealth, subtle, underground currents of maltreatment that sometimes go unnoticed even by the victims themselves, until it is too late. It’s a very hard from of abuse to explain to anyone - it penetrates and permeates everything but is difficult to pinpoint and identify. He would criticise, withhold comment and incessantly comment on everything I did. He chipped away slowly at my self worth that I had no idea what was happening - until such time as I felt like I was heading into a black void. The chipping away was compensated with extremely nice and loving behaviour and then followed by him devaluing me - whilst standing there in a robotic manner.

All the mirroring he did in the beginning was now coming back at me full force - he filed away all the things I had openly told him about in the beginning and started to clobber me with them in the devaluing stage of the relationship.

While it is impossible to provide every detail of how this relationship evolved, in short it was rife with mirroring, emotional abuse, isolation and brain washing.

Recipe for Brainwashing: isolate the victim, expose them to inconsistent messages, mix with sleep deprivation, add some form of abuse, get the person to doubt what they know and feel, keep them on their toes, wear them down, and stir well.

If you find yourself in this type of relationship - RUN!

What have I learnt from all this...

1) I will now listen to all the red flags that I noticed in the beginning of the relationship

2) I value my friends even more for they are truly special people who love me unconditionally

3) I know who my true friends aren't - the ones that had no interest in my pain

4) I value my intuition and trust that my gut will set me on a healthy path

5) I do not deserve to be treated with such disrespect

6) Abuse does not have to mean physical abuse - often mental abuse is way more insidious and hard to understand or notice - I certainly notice it now

7) Writing and journaling is a great way to learn about yourself and start us on a path of unimaginable self discovery

8) No one holds the key to my happiness

9) Healing is a process that cannot be rushed - it has to come from within and not from outside/external sources

10) I am an intelligent person - despite what I was told

11) I am worthy of boundaries and needs and expect those to be respected

12) There are loving and insightful people in this world - some I have not even met in person - the BPDfamily online board was my lifeline for a long-time and I thank them all for the massive support and the time they took to understand my story

13) Even healthy people can benefit from therapy

14) I cannot change other people’s perception/behaviour or be responsible for their reactions

15) I don’t have to be perfect

16) I can spend time on my own and enjoy it

17) The world is an interesting place - I play a role but don’t have to game play to survive

18) I am self sufficient and all my successes are mine

19) I don’t need to take on anyone to feel self worth

20) I will continue and grow each day

Love & Light :)